One thing that makes me insanely angry is the unspoken assumption that women are not supposed to be friends with men other than their husband. This makes me want to kill. The logic seems to be that a woman only needs a man for sex (children), for money, a house, and to keep other men at bay so she can get on with her work and looking after her family. After that, men are presumably useless to her.
Maybe I am a little oversensitive about this. (A similar logic applies to ‘married’ men having female friends.) Neither law is written anywhere that it can be challenged, as far as I know. I read it in people’s faces, in the assumptions people make about me and my friends, and in the assumptions I make about other people.
In my reality men are often very interesting, and occasionally, loving, caring, intelligent, affectionate and helpful, even without sex or family ties. I don’t think a man has to be a brother or cousin in order for a woman to be safe if she is left alone with him (not that she always is of course).
That much said, I spend much more time making friends with sexually attractive men than I do with men I find a bit creepy, or slimy, or weird, or nasty, aggressive, sexist, homophobic, racist, massively capitalist, smelly or unable to stand or speak properly due to intoxication. I spend very little energy getting to know men who demand my phone number because their friend has just introduced me to them and I am not married or being stood over by some other man.
My closest male friends are gorgeous men, many of whom I would have sex with in certain hypothetical circumstances. The same is true of some of my closest women friends, although the circumstances are probably a degree more hypothetical. Because some of my friends are so gorgeous I would probably not sleep with them, and they know why. But I have some gorgeous friends who I could sleep with (and have) without being sexual. That’s why I’m writing this blog.
Ideally, we base our decisions about who we do and don’t have sex with on an understanding of the risks and rewards of having sex, and the rewards of not having sex. I am very fortunate in only having had one night stands with gorgeous men (very fortunate indeed), but I really don’t mind not having made friends with them. On the other hand, I would be gutted if I lost a close friend through badly timed sex.
If there was ever a time when one man could provide all the interesting perspectives on life a woman might ever want to hear, that time has gone. Close friendship often involves conversations that simply can’t happen when someone else is listening. We cannot treat a sexual partner as an elevated representative of the whole of the opposite sex – no-one can bear such a burden.